Friday, September 30, 2005

so far

So the other day our van took down a sheet off someones clothes line.
For the record Amanda's emails fucken kill me and the rest of you are lazy fucks.
What is going on in Puglia, much of the same, churches, old stuff, olive trees, blah blah blah baroque, blah blah orechiette, blah blah.
Luftansa and Alitalia should be fucken dissolved as companies for what they made us go through regarding lost luggage. Both of them are like spoiled children.
My ass cream opend all over my medicine so I had Advil stuck in ass cream, funny enough the advil still had that sweet taste to it.
I am back at the hotel with the roaches the size of cats and they fucken lost some shirts I had them launder for me. "We are still working on finding them" which in Italy means we have no fucken clue where they are nor are we looking.

Close Shave

This is me getting a straight blade shave in Lecce! This guy has been a barber for 45 years since he was 8 years old, he took 15years off my face.

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

a new one

I start a new tour tomorrow.

Monday, September 26, 2005

Ladies bike

Ok so I had to ride a ladies bike that is obviously 3 times to small for me and while I was riding it, the fucken thing exploded. Spokes everywhere. Needless to say I'm not losing weight.

Saturday, September 24, 2005

Porn and Chocolate

OK so as many of you know when I'm working I stay at 5 star hotels. Currently staying at a 5 star sheridan properity, yes the one with roaches the size of kittens. But the best part of this hotel is on channel 18 there is a free porn chanel, but we are talking hard-core porn the kind that makes a perv like me blush. I mean I was cringing as I was watching these crack whores getting plowed by a plethora of cocks. But on my night stand every night there is a lovely little choclate, sapore latte (flavour milk). So I tuck myself into warm covers and eat my choclate and go to sleep with chanel 18 in the background.

who got sun today?

Oh I forgot even though it rained like a muthafucker, I got sunburned.
As well our van backed over a dog. Yup we ran over a dog. Not to worry Mark and Adrienne, it looks like we only sort of clipped it's backleg a bit. You see here if you park your van on the street the dogs that roam the area, lie in its shade. The best part of this was 1) I was not driving the van. 2)The wounded dog caused a diversion to the unpleasant situation we were having at that moment. But then all our guests started to theorize what happened to the dog including that it had a deep gash on its leg. Of course this is not a pleasant moment for anyone and I just tried to divert everyones theories on the quasi dead dog, but I did say if it had a gash on its leg there would have been a trail of blood leading into the bar where the dog wimpered to. To which I then became the expert in dog drive-bys. Needless to say we did not make friends in the canine world today.

Biking Shorts and Rain

OK so I think it is important for people to learn a little bike short physics.
Bike shorts have a sponge like material from your crotch (in my case balls) to a few inches past your asshole, basically the area many refer to as the taint, barse or perunium, to help keep that area from chaffing or getting sore from riding. Now when the sky opens and pours a fucken river of water all over you, your special ass sponge, ends up holding 2 friggin litres of water. Yes and that what it was like for me today.

Friday, September 23, 2005

2 doves of peace and grumpy me

I'm writing from my hotel, which is a 5 star hotel, but I litterally saw cockroaches the size of small cats here last time I was here.
So here is a picture of me in front of a statue that I quite like in some little spit of a town, about an hour before I got soaked. Why am I wearing my sweat cap in this pic is beyond me. I know I look like an asshole, but you need to know that I walk around the hotels and resteraunts wearing my biking pants with my nuts practically in the receptionists face, sometimes I'll make deals wearing my bike helmut. That is the part I love the most. That and being able to switch back and forth from Italian to English. I really love that especially when people around me in bars, or restaurnts listen in, hilarious I tell you. Oh and having a great espressino with a cornetto di crema, fucken rocks.

Advil and Prosecco

OK so After a fisherman told me it wasnt going to rain today it pissed all over me and my group. And when I say pissed I mean I was so soaked with water that my shoes would fill and as I peddled water would oouze out. I want to say thank-fuck I bought this $200 bike rain jacket at MEC and it worked like a charm, 'cept it had no hood, what-the-fuck no hood, I didnt realize it until today when I needed it. Regardless I'm glad I had it and that I didnt have to give it to anyone.
So getting the weather report in Puglia is like using a dowsing stick to find water. I was told that fishermen know the weather because they have to know if they go to sea, well this old fisherman told me weather would be great and it was ass!!! Needless to say he probably drowned today. I felt like absolute shit today after riding in the rain, but I had no time to really settle after that because there was a mountain of bikes to load. So I had to grab a handfull of advil and wash it down and the aperativo with Prosecco (sparkling italian wine). I'm going to take another 2 or 3 advil tonight to help me sleep (I know they aren't sleeping pills but really who am I kidding they taste so good) and to help me get better from the chill I got today. Tomorrow it is suppose to piss on us again. And here is the best part we go to the beach tomorrow, hoo-fucken-ray! As well I get to translate all about fucken olive oil, if I have to tell one more person that Puglia is the leading Italian region for olive oil, I'm going to gnaw my fucken arm off. I want to say look around all you see if olive groves. Seriously all I see every day is row after row of fucken olive trees, I can tell you what olive tree is over 800 years old, or which areas they pick them off the tree and which ones are picked off the ground and this is the best which ones are sprayed with pesticides.

Thursday, September 22, 2005


Masseria's are fortified farmhouses found all over Puglia many of which are abandoned....blah,blah, blah. Balls.
I wash my socks and undies in the bidets of my hotel and hope they try before I get to my next hotel. That's my glamourious life to date.

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

Where's Moses?

OK so when I say flood, I literally mean flood.
You see Puglia is such a hot and dry area of Italy (hence the olive groves).
We have been driving through 2 feet of water all day. My new tour group arrives tomorrow and we hope the rain will let up. Look under the bridge and you can see the water we drove through.

The bikes I was talking about

This is a photo of all the bikes we have on this trip, as you can see, the roof rack is full and inside the bus it is full and that is me and my co-guide Paolo who Im teaching things like "what a rusty trombone is..."

Holy Christ!

OK so the thankfully the guy was not murdered but Im pretty sure he killed his dog with a knife to the head. I know it was horrific and I did not eat that night. He is the town drug attick.
When it rains in Puglia it floods. If I can I will post a pic.
Getting ready for my next group which arrives tomorrow.
Today I said this,"Do you think one Foxy will do?"
Foxy is a brand of paper towels.
When I say that Puglia is on fire, they are getting their olive groves, yes their 40 million olive trees ready for harvest. And so they burn all the shit under the trees. Which means much of Puglia is a haze of smoke, yes fucken olive branch and barnacle smoke. Needless to say all this olive shhit makes me un-happy. Enough with the fucken Olive trees, oil, soap, burning.....

Monday, September 19, 2005

2 seconds

I have 2 seconds of time to write the following.
Puglia is on fire.
Ive seen enough Olive groves to last a life time.
I swam in the Adriatic.
And I think we saw someone who was murdered in the Piazza yesterday night.
more details to follow...when I have more time.

Thursday, September 15, 2005

On the Road again

Tomorrow I drive another 8 hours back to Puglia. Thankfully this time it's with a new collegue. I feel like a friggin' truck driver. And I want to give props out to truck drivers, as it certainly isn't an easy job. My bus is packed to the tits with bikes, there is literally no room for anything else. If I get a chance I will post a picture of this thing packed with 28 bikes.

Lucy Eveleigh

Many of you know Lucy Eveleigh, well it turns out that her great grandmother was Italian from Ravenna if I'm not mistaken. She wanted me to make sure I mention her in my blog. As well she likes to be called: Shitsy McGee!

More of the Furgone

Furgone is how you say this vehicle in Italian. I call it "my nightmare". Hope you can now appreciate how this takes down trees and anything else that gets in its path.

This is the Bus!

As you may have read me bitching this is the bus that I ride around Europe in. Yes I know it doesn't look that big, but remember the streets here are narrow and it's fucken big.

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Tonight I shall drink, I shall drink and I shall drink...

I want to send a special shout out to Christina Torchetti please someone mention she should check out my blog. I was given the nick name her Torch after the torch in the fantastic 4. We all get superhero nicknames when they don't know who is coming to do whatever here in Italy and mine is Torch. So hats off to my fellow torch and tonight I'm going for pizza and I will drink till I'm drunk. My first tour is finally over.

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Blog Spam

I'm getting fucken Blog spam in my comments section, Spam in any form is just wrong.
So in order to avoid spam in my comments section, if you make a comment you will have to use word verification in order to eliminate spam from attaching to my comments. I know its a pain in the ass.

9 Fucken Hours

I just drove 9 fucken hours from Puglia to Tuscany.
In a fucken van with 10 bikes on my fucken roof. It was me and a fucken convoy of Rigs barrelling down fucken mountain. I'm off to shower.

Monday, September 12, 2005

5 Ball Hotel

So I am staying at 5 star hotels but because some days I ride I wear my cycling shorts and at this point I dont even realize that I am wearing these nut-huggers and walking around until some rich lady dressed to the nines stares at my package. Needless to say quite the moment.

Saturday, September 10, 2005

Write your MPP

A protest at Queen's Park to protest
against the possible implementation of Sharia family
court arbitration panels in Ontario. About 200 people
attended the event in Toronto. Similar protests were
held in other parts of Ontario, Canada, and the world.
If you missed it, you can read about it here:

I urge all you to write to
your MPP and make your voice heard. This issue
affects us all as it threatens our universal human
rights and our Canadian Charter freedoms of equality.
Find your MPP's email here:

Happy Birthday YES TASH!

A very special birthday wish to my dear friend Natashia!
Happy birthday will drink Salento wine in your honour.
Much Love

Ass and Ball cream

Ok so I have cream to smear on my ass and balls when I ride so I dont get friction, but today my longest ride I forgot to put it on and I was riding a bike too small for me.

Today I got cactus needles in my hand from a cactus pear.
I got a shave with a straight blade from an old time barber that was awesome.
I rode an extra 20 km, because of one wrong turn, so my 66 km ride ended up being 86kms, may I remind you with no ass and ball cream on.

I learned and translated anything you might want to know about olive oil. The region I am in produces more olive oil then any other in Italy and they have over 60 million trees.

Friday, September 09, 2005


hmmmm I was lost very lost and driving pretending to know exactly where i was going. Someone asked me for directions to the town they were suppose to go to and i just sort of pointed to the direction they were suppose to got and gave false directions hoping they would stumble onto our destitnation. I will just say this the lord works in mysterious ways. all worked out.
Some fig trees did not have fun today thanks to my van.
Best thing I did today, I flirted with a beautiful Puglian girl who was in the car across the hiway from me, i had right of way but because I was staring at her I missed my oportunity to turn so I had to communicate with her and we essentially and a moment of a flirt and she drove off.

Thursday, September 08, 2005


OK so for those of you who have been what has been going on here in my stint in Italy. I have begun my tour, and what a tour thus far. Litterally a world win of hitting every hotel and resteraunt you can imagine in Puglia for the arrival of my group. It is the 2nd day and let me tell you I am sweating in a way I have never sweat before. It is invigorating, and exhausting. Today I rode 50km.

My favourite things thus far:
I had to transalte the following, "it lies in a zone that has to its left a Byzantine cloistered group of monks who began a holistic naturopathic greenery; and to its right the oldest university famous for scholars who begin the first translations of books from the Orient".
I went to fill up on Diesel for my Bus, (today the top of a fig tree lost its battle with our bus) at a 24 hour gas station, there was no attendant and no one who was anywhere near the gas station. So I asked someone why nothing was working and he said, "well, its Monday" and drove away and drove away leaving me there feeling like an asshole that I didnt know that on Monday for some reason no gas.
Tonight I ate some seabass and almost chocked to my death on two scales. thats alway fun.
Needless to say finding internet is not the easiest thing to do these days.

Monday, September 05, 2005

Learn to Drive!

If you want to learn to drive come to Italy. As you all know I'm carreening around tight corners and cliffs in southern Italy is yes a fucken Bus, a 10 passenger Renault bus for christ sakes someone give me a captains hat. So far those who have come in my path and have not lived to tell about it, a fig tree, we still have a fig on our roof, the awning of a fish shop, the one that got away a black dog, let's see how fast he is next time I peel around the corner. Oh yes and their are a few olive trees (probably about 100 years old) that won't look at me the same again.

Saturday, September 03, 2005

Getting going

OK so my and my collegue Leah, who rocks huge, she lets me use her laptop so i can update my blog.
We have been running non-stop to get our tour ready and its been crazy.
Best thing i did today? Confirmed with a resteraunteur that we cannot have any pig on the menu, yup i said no pig on the menu.
I literally drive through the narrowest street i have ever seen it is so narrow that the van litterally scrapes the ladies blinds as i drive through.
I saw my first bike route and i can say is steep hill.
till next entry, be well.

Friday, September 02, 2005

Happy Birthday Amanda

I just wanted to wish a dear friend a very Happy Birthday.
And tomorrow I will have a glass of wine in her hounour (that's the Canadian way to spell it).

Counter Steering

When you drive with a trailer and you want to reverse you must use a technique called countersteering turning your wheel in the opposite direction that you would when normally backing up.

It took me 16 hours to get from Beaune France to Arezzo Italy by van and when I saw Van in Europe I mean small 10 passenger bus in N. American standards. Now it is an 8 hour trip to Puglia.

More notes to come...

Listed on BlogsCanada Listed on Blogwise Blogarama - The Blog Directory
Search Popdex: